Voices tell me I am the shit...

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 23:40:06 GMT

Ask me questions.

GONNA DIE LAUGHING

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 10:53:26 GMT

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 10:51:55 GMT

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 06:32:45 GMT

some of the best t-shirts I've ever seen...

http://www.threadless.com/product/63/Damn_Scientists
http://www.threadless.com/product/409/Lil_Soap
http://www.threadless.com/product/425/Midnight_Snack
http://www.threadless.com/product/638/Deadless
http://www.threadless.com/product/681/A_Caged_Bird_Dreams

and many many more...shameless unlucrative promotion of awesome website..

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 23:00:26 GMT

<td align="center"> Alyse --
[adjective]:

Insatiable to the point of crazy

'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com</td>

fired

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 10:42:49 GMT

So I pushed away the remnants of my homework to converse with a friend from the old days on the phone as I smoked the day’s last cigarette. My heart over the last couple days has been forced into sputtering back into life. Maybe it was all the shooting stars I wished on last night that finally pushed me to this. Maybe it’s the way that I have never meditated on love so intensely for so long… Maybe I’m finally going to speak and lower the gun.
I intend this update to be lengthy and relatively detailed
Disclaimer: I’m really sleepy so there might be typos. Worry not, I’ll revise and edit another day…or I won’t. I trust that the individuals that read this are around me enough to understand my gibberish, I love it when you get when I’m talking and not doing the thing of making sense. When my vocabulary fails me, when my mouth, tongue, teeth, and brain, stem, and squish refuse to generate, you guys get it. You know who you are.

So, I’ve been dating damaged men most of my life, boys, most of them. Foolish. Insecure. Emotionally stunted. Emotionally incapacitated. Back and back and back they’ve all been silly. Pokemon and Magic. Weed weed weed. Low self-esteem manifesting as downright cockiness and/or a controlling, abuse, stupid attempt at holding me down. My tendency to confuse a quick wit and cleverness with deep down intelligence. My tendency to confuse the volley of mental issues as the affliction of the genius (which I’m not saying doesn’t exist, trust me, I know, but you can have a great deal of issues and also be a total idiot.) Mistaking a pretty face for a pretty soul. And the realization that if someone claims to be enlightened, expect neither salvation nor solution. These people are full of shit.

On occasion, I am full of shit. But I like my brain, I think I’m entitled. My mommy says I’m special. And Viktoria wants to eat my brain..and she’s Russian, and while it is true that those kids eat some crazy fucking shit, my brain is not on the commie restaurant daily special board (Soup of the day – Cream of insanity)…

I digress.
Yes, bitching is about to commence and I’m sort of not looking at the screen anymore, typing, eyes closed ish. I’ve fucked up terribly in my life. If you were the recipient of any of my many follies, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me for the last 5 years of my life.

So quick rundown of life recently.
Long relationship with Adam ends because I don’t want to be his mommy, his therapist, his girlfriend, and be so full of resentment and fury that I can’t hardly breathe around him and the sex turns bad because I hate him but will not admit it to myself and he can sense that coming off of me. Especially, add to that, the fact that it was during my relationship with Adam that this eating disorder bullshit that you all have heard wayyyyyy too much about started up. It was a series of events. It all happened at once. I really am not entirely sure, I’ve got theories. I rule because I have the self-control to starve and my boyfriend (while things were still alright with him) thinks I look fucki8ng amazing and suddenly I am disdainful of my lazy boyfriend who cannot bring himself to clean up his basement room during the week that we do not see each other, but come weekend when we chill, he mopes and bitches and feels sorry for himself because his room isn’t clean. So we clean the room. He’s also gaining weight. Which makes me mad because I’ve lost 15 pounds for him (for me?…) He’s also lied to me about quitting smoking weed. I isolate myself from specific friends because I know he doesn’t like me hanging out with them for whatever reason (jealousy, insecurities…)I could go on. We have fun sometimes. I fall out of love with him and love him as a cuddly, strange friend. We watch X-Files. We have our weekends. I attempt many a revival. He gets stupid at club. I snap.
I hook up with Ryan, we had flirted back and forth for…a long time actually. Ryan is so pretty that he’s a model now. He tries his darnest to be good to me considering how much a blow to his ego he received not too long before we were dating. Hence, he is all at once the most cocky and self-confident, self-assured individual (the message I got from him, nearly out loud sometimes “you are so lucky to be dating me because I am hot hot hot shit and all the ladies want me, I could have anyone I want, but I want you!” OMFG, no way! I am like…so lucky that you chose me! You can see how this would be refreshing after dating an individual that was /(I helped make) insecure. We like to party, we like we like to party! The consumption of alchohol that we reached…I don’t count that high. Party party party party party, with an occasional day of rest that would turn into us dancing and….we should drink. The parties, don’t get me wrong, these people changed my life, are each in their own way too beautiful to be real and too afflicted to exist. I miss them dearly sometimes, I just don’t know how to be around them.
Baby…you just make me sad.

Intermission – cutips are great. they say to not put things in your ear but I don’t care cause it feels so fucking good!!!!

So we’re riding this high life, we’re all in love with each other (despite the tensions that I can see eating away at everyone because I am the confession booth, I don’t want to know what I wanted to know…) We are a group of ridiculously attractive people who have stupid mental problems abound and we just feed off of the violent roads of catharsis that drinking always brings. We were never really sober. The pain of existence was ever threatening from the world outside, but we huddled in groups, smoking our cigarettes, shirts or pants off at midnight, and then we dance because Club Ramage is always bumping. It was so..fun. We were playing with fire. Silly us.

Ryan cheats on me. My angry heart “after all the time you spent reassuring me and getting crazy of sean and I hanging out and you promised me the moon, stars, and the sun, and you brought me chunks of all three, or so I though. Fools gold, Plastic, faded glass particles that you left in my stomach, on my skin, the bruises took forever to heal. My foot is still not fixed. Once that is gone..I believe I may be right as rain. I can understand other gisl, strangers, what have you. The fact that you have the audacity to cheat on me? Is beyond me. May sound fucking pompous. But oh you. You had an idea of what you were tossing.” I’m better than this, I must be.

Then why does it hurt so bad? Kill it away….we know how.
This is totally to be continued in another time. Maybe for processing. Maybe for those of you who want to see it put down, maybe this will get it out.

Preview of coming attractions!
MORE about the eating disorder!
A vicious attempt at isolation!
Avoiding this little heart of mine that is barely keeping up with me.
And finally….

What I’m starting to learn about love.
I just wish someone could’ve explained this to me.

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 21:11:25 GMT

I am in the bell jar.

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 21:36:04 GMT

Anyone in the Denver/boulder area interested in accompanying me to the Queensryche Show on Friday night? I have an extra ticket...
let me know!

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 15:54:49 GMT

so, maynard has done it again.
saved my life.

Tooltooltooltooltool.

what an amazing show.

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 21:17:46 GMT

www.truemajority.org

things I gotta see...

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 06:46:24 GMT

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/zennoir/trailer/

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/azumi/trailer/

http://www.apple.com/trailers/magnolia/pushertrilogy/trailer/

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/themotel/trailer/

http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/manoftheyear/small.html

GODDAMNIT I AM GOING TO BE SO FUCKING BROKE.

when in rome...

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 22:10:33 GMT

.
wonder. If anyone can see this hell that I'm wading through. behind the dull ache of heartbreak, behind the curious freedom of betrayal of the body. Old habits die hard. they say.

I am in such peices, they only way to hold together is to freeze, to keep going.

'you'll cry. and keep going. always keep going. don't ever stop. if you stop, you'll start to think, and that will make the next step forward harder to take.'

Of course they don't. No one did the last time. I show up, blank faced save for a tired smirk and the baggage around my eyes that they wouldn't let me into an airport with. They shouldn't. There are knives and other violent peices hidden deep in there. Secrets, all the hurt a stranger can carry in clenched fists and vague tears. The baggage, the swollen tear ducts, irritated nasal passages and stomach pains. My shaky hands, these things could give me away.

'I am tired,' I will sweetly explain. 'I am not hungry and will never be. If I was, there would never be enough to fill me up.' My heart thundering in my chest. Perpetual self-destruction. A spiral that never hits.

If I ever hit bottom, you'll know it's what I wanted.

I grin, I laugh, and pray for encroaching darkness, light another cigarette, read another book, watch another movie. Drown myself.

Go ahead, ask, I may tell you. It won't make a difference. You cannot stop me. I'll do what I will. I'll do what I want. I'll kill it all away till there is nothing left.

The morning light will always shine bright. Pure as violence. The moon will always rise and work it's strange magic on our young hearts. Days and days and days.

I smell like death. I am sure of it. I smile, glad, that at least there is something physical about me that portrays the truth.

.

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 16:32:15 GMT

I am the brownie goddess.

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 00:59:21 GMT

how do you describe hunger, it lives not in the pits of the stomach with the growling pain, but makes the jaws ache, licking, biting, sucking. If I had my way I'd it it alive, twisting down into me. It wouldn't satisfy but then maybe it wouldn't hurt too much to stare, to think, to feel. Lonely as sin, sweet loss.

I just don't feel anything except the void.
what once was refreshing, feels stagnant.

sometimes I don't know if I can go anywhere.

CITIZENS OF COLORADO....

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 20:24:00 GMT

WHO ELSE IS PLANNING ON GOING TO SEE TOOL AUGUST 30TH?

the details of the show...

Coors Amphitheatre
lawn tix are $35
reserved seats are $55

I'm really thinking I might get reserved seats cause you can still hit up the lawn, too.
kind of disappointed at the venue choice, but it's Tool so I'm so fucking going...

I'd just like to have people go to with...yeah.

disclaimer: big pictures, I choose not to resize cause I am lazy.

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 05:45:36 GMT

The party.
(disclaimer 2: using the wrong setting on the camera resulted in images as fuzzy as the details of the night itself...)

the group

Ben and The Kevo

Kevo and Ryan

My super model friends...kelly, kevo, ryan, sean

the boys..

Rufio

posing boys..

Ryan looking fucking silly

toasting to tasty fucking drink...

Chris

some poor girl being subjected to my maniacism...

James hiding behind corona cases

boys boys boys...

Crystal and James

no words...

drew from the bus

Me looking like a total douche as James and I do a social..

Kelly it all down

Kevo and Kelly being too stinking cute

Kevo being cool.

me blitzing..

Rufio being a stud.

afterwards...

yeah...good times..

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 22:54:55 GMT

everybody goes dancing and i feel like staying home/got some time for romancing and i turn the radio on/ suddenly i hear your voice and i know we gotta go on/ saturday is calling me baby baby can't you see/ you're my disco playing on the radio you're my disco/ you're my disco playing on the radio you're my disco/ oooo/you're my disco/you're my disco playing on the radio/and i dont wanna let you go/from milan to tokyo, paris won't let you go/from milan to tokyo, i feel so sexy tonight...

colder than cold

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 09:10:05 GMT

metal grinding.

the more I think, the blacker my heart is.
it congeals, freezing, like coal.

I will never.
I will never.
I will never.
never say never.

if I lace it all up tight enough.
the heat will remain. the pressure will build.
change will occur, hardening, carbon. harder than steel.
and no one will shatter me. ever.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 20:54:29 GMT

I'm such an imposter, I style my hair, I put on my makeup, I do the pretty girl thing and it is so fucking wrong because there's only so much I can do to hide the truth.

fuck. goddamnit shit fuck fuck assfuckshit.
I just want to do away with myself.

renfaire doesn't even do anything for me anymore.
counting down to self-immolation.
i'm so tired.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 20:47:17 GMT

ugly fat horrible gross ugly fat mutie freak of fucking nature grotesquely obese stupid little ugly girl freakish bizarre sickening androgenous sideshow....fat fat fat fat fat. gross.

I'm having a terrible day.

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 08:30:12 GMT

oh lady of damage, the soul you steal is blue and black.
swallowing the seconds between the sweet and sorrow
I do not walk, I do not crawl, I hold everything forever.
limbo breaking through to another bleak swollen void
it will take me in and forget my name. forget my face.

I can never look back. I can never stop.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 18:32:31 GMT

me lately...

meat, get on your feet.

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 09:07:58 GMT

at the disco, baby let's go.

my mind just races.
and slams shut whenever it sees this page, or any page.

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 00:09:43 GMT

o', discordia.

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 18:02:38 GMT

just to let go and get blinded by the light.

can't say it doesn't appeal.